two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
