I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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