First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
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Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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