The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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