I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
