My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
