I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
