Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
