ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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