I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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