The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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