before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
