I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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