Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
