My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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