It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
