you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
