You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
