the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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