i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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