You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
