something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
