i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
