I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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