I want to stick my p in your. b.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
