Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
