She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
