I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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