Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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