Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
