I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
