Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
