He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pooping to opera.
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