Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
