my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
