if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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