i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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