I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
