apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
