Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
vagina is talking i cant
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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