My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
