This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
