God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
