the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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