the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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