happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
