Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
