I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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