I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
