Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
