dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
