I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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