She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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