that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
