youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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