I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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