You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
