He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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