I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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